Maybe it's the fear of rejection, loss, or embarrassment — I don't know. Maybe it has to do with pride. Maybe for some, the issue is fear of forming attachments with others. I know that for me it's about the possibility of letting someone get so close to me that they have the potential to hurt me emotionally. I am terrified of letting someone in completely and I don't really know why. But it's a catch 22 in the sense that I want to be completely open and emotionally naked with someone and I long for an honest connection that is real. But at the same time i'm scared. I've never been hurt or heartbroken. It's not like I'm "jaded" or ever been damaged by Love, and that's why I dont' really understand where this fear stems from. Whatever the reason maybe, I do know one thing for sure, keeping things bottled up is not healthy. It will eat you alive if you let it. It is crippling and it has the possibility of controlling all aspects of your life. Now, im no expert on living a healthy lifestyle. God knows I'm as damaged as the next person, but from now on I'm going to try and be honest with myself. I'm going to be honest with others about how I feel. Nothing will be off limits. Even of i'm uncomfortable or put off by a certain topic, i'm going to try to get past it and share my world with others. I have learned that covering things up with denial is not going to make it go away, you have to work through things. Lots of people make the mistake of trying to forget about the things that scare them and choose not to confront them, and i'm no exception, but as scary as things may be, what's more terrifying is going through life not figuring out why you're scared. Maybe this will be a good thing. We will see.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Random thoughts
I kept thinking today about why people don't just say what they feel. Would we be better off if we simply communicated to others what we felt at all times? Specifically when it comes to matters of the heart. Would there be less people out there suffering? would there be less pain out in the abyss if we all just took an oath to tell the truth - even if we ran the risk of getting hurt? I mean really, what's so bad about being open with your thoughts? If what they say about keeping things bottled up inside is true, than why do most people continue to do it - including myself. If by concealing our desires and thoughts we isolate ourselves and alienate those that care about us the most, why do we continue to do it? Maybe because living in denial is easier than actually facing our fear and dealing with reality. By locking ourselves away in this fantasy world where everything is exactly as we picture it, we limit our potential for lasting happiness. And I don't know about you, but I intend to be utterly and insanely happy.
Monday, June 15, 2009
My Love
I saw the moon today.
I saw it from a far away place and I felt safe
Round and bright - loud and overexposed
But it left without caution or reason
Behind a cloud, out of sight
Timid and shy
Than there was dark
Than there was nothing left for me to see
I saw the sun today
I felt it burning away at me
Eating away at the dark
Limbs unable to move
Mouth unable to speak
Heart unable to feel
I felt the rain today
It trikled down my back
Wash me
Cleanse me
Take me away
Away from the elements that poison me
I ran today
I ran to you
I ran for you
Is that alright?
Strength, Endurance. Agility.
Direction - Speed.
Purpose and Power.
You give me - Me!
I lived today
Cried alittle - laughed harder
I dreamed.
I lived today
I lived for you
I live for you
I live for me
I live and Breath - I Love.
My Love.
I may not
I may not be who u think I am
I may not always be as kind as i'd like to be
I amy not ask the right questions
I may not be a prom princess or a girl wonder
I may not be the vixen in your dreams or the girl next door that your mother wished for you
I may not tell the truth
I may not love you as you'd like to be loved
I may not show you that side of myself
I may not always be a wall of strength
I may not always smile or laugh and play
But, I will always explore the different sides of me.
The different sides of you
I will always seek to know myself and understand who I am
Underneath it all.
Underneath it all, it's me.
Underneath it all - I am me - I am you and we are unstoppable.
We are loved , we are hated , we are perfect and the sun never shinned as bright as it has today.
A plethora of thoughts
lately Ive been feeling disconnected. Di connected from my soul - from myself. Usually I'm very grounded in the various elements that make me who i am. I've become accustomed to understanding myself completely and lately that hasn't been the case. and i recognize that at times ( given certain situations) its normal to feel withdrawn. But somehow i think that may not be the case. I love who i am and i look forward to the personal and professional successes that I'll experience as i grow older and wiser - and even more thrilling is the prospect of the connections that I'll make and the people I'll meet; but it feels like there is this void inside of me and i cant pin point the reason for it. At times i feel so lucky for the life that Ive lived so far and the privileges that growing up in the USA has afforded me. but somehow it isn't enough. somewhere i once read that there are two great adventures in life; the first is to get what you want and the second to enjoy it - only the wisest of men achieve the second. I cant help but feel that Ive somehow forgot to enjoy what i want. when i set my mind to something its as good as done. and given all these accomplishments and experiences i still want more - I'm not happy with it ( i can always do better). I'm caught at a crossroads with no map or direction. i know where I'm going - or at least where i want to go. but the path is clouded with doubt and uncertainties. Why does it, all of a sudden, seem so hard? maybe im just to demanding of myself. I cant tell exctly and it appears to me that i may never come to know why. sometiems i wish i could escape to a small villa in the middle of nowhere with a vast open space where i wont have to feel so costrained and where i can run free - free from the chains that bind us to our day to day routines. I want to run free and feel the grass brush against my naked feet. maybe I wasnt meant to be the person that ive come to understand so well. Maybe I am now coming to realize that im better suited in a place where I can read as often as my mind asks of me and write untill I tire of the words. I have a longing to make a contribution to the world and I want to be relevant - I want to matter and be loved. I want my life to be about a connection to the world and its people.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
writer's block
I'm experiencing a little writer's block and so I've decided that I'm going to stop trying so hard to find my voice because the stress of it all is driving me nuts. For now, I'm going to be sharing with you my thoughts in an effort to find whatever it is that I'm missing - so that i can continue writing. And hopefully along the way learn a few things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
